


While you were lying

by queenromano



Series: while lying (deh.) [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hospitals, Other, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-03 10:11:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10965123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenromano/pseuds/queenromano
Summary: Au where Connor lived through his attempt and went into a coma for awhile. Evan still lied but everything crashed down when Connor woke back up. But there's a catch, now Connor believes they were actually friends.





	1. 1 : Lies Awake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Probab

AU: Connor lives fan fiction. ( _While you were sleeping au. )_    
Connor wakes up from his Coma to learn he has a friend who’s been telling his parents some interesting stories. 

( Possibly shipping later, but I won't promise it. )

> **_Warnings:_** _Suicide_ attempts, drug use, depression and other adult content.  
>  _Point of view changes between Connor and Evan._
> 
> _**Characters**_ : **Connor Murphy** , Zoe Murphy. Evan Hansen. 
> 
> Words : 1,381

## Chapter 1 : Lies Awake. 

Connor woke up in a hospital. He blinked slowly as he looked around the room. No one else was here, but he expected that. There was no pain. He felt the needle from the IV in his arm pull at his skin when he moved it. 

He sighed and tried to get up from the bed. Unfortunately, a nurse happened to come in with several other people. His parents and some kid he kind of recognized. Connor squinted at the dirty blond haired boy with a blue shirt that he read as ‘ Mamma's boy’ material. 

Wait. He knew him. Kind of. 

“ Evan Hansen? “ he croaked out. His throat hurt as he tried to speak. He continued to attempt and get up, but his legs failed him and he started to fall. 

No one but the nurse rushed forward to help him. The smile that formed on his face looked more like a grimace. Of course, no one helped him but the one paid to. None of them liked him. No one did. He had seen to that. 

“ Connor. “ his dad started to speak, but the words failed him. He looked shocked. 

“ Yeah, Dad? Sorry “ Connor said with a smirk, “ I tried to get out of your lives but I failed. Opps. I’ll try harder next time.“ he joked. The nurse looked horrified. 

His mother made a face like she really wanted to yell at him. Zoe just scoffed and turned around. She did not seem to find his little joke funny. 

Evan looked at him. Connor wondered why the kid looked so pale. “ Um. I’m going to st-step out.” the boy said, as he rushed out of the room. 

“ Connor! You should be nicer when your friend is here to see you! “ his mother fussed. 

Connor moved his entire body to face her and stared into her eyes. A blank but confused expression spread over his face. 

“ What? “

\-- 

Evan’s heart was pounding so hard that he could not hear Zoe call his name. He was running in a hospital. He should not be running in a hospital. But, he needed to get out. 

He was going to be exposed. His lies were going to come out. 

He could vaguely remember the fake letters he wrote. The ones Connor’s parents were told about. All those lies. He had started to believe them. But he thought Connor would never wake up. 

His memory rewound to that office. Connor’s parents sat with grim expressions. Zoe had a blank one but she frowned all the same. 

‘ Connor made an attempt on his life. He’s not in good shape. ‘ the principal had explained. ‘ We found this letter addressed to you. Son, Did you know that Connor was having these thoughts?’ 

Evan had made up a whole story. That Connor was his best friend. That Connor confided in him. Somehow, Connor’s parents were not angry at him. 

Now that he met ‘ the real ‘ Connor and not the one he imagined... it was not hard to see why. 

Zoe caught up with him, grasped his unbroken arm with her hand. “ I’m...sorry, Evan. He’s a jerk. Please don’t be upset.” she said, her face sympathetic as ever. “ I can’t believe he would say that to our parents after... “ 

Evan felt his heart drop into his stomach. He felt sick. This was awful. He needed to tell her. He had to tell her. Before Connor told them about the truth. 

He never had a friendship with Connor. Connor just happened to grab his therapy letter and get mad at him. It was a horrible story. 

Connor’s father rushed down the hall. “ Evan! He wants to see you! Come on!” he shouted. Zoe smiled a little. “ See, Evan! He was just being an ass. Don’t mind him too much. “ she said. 

Evan was pulled into the hospital room. He tried to dig in his heels but it was no use. Connor stared at him. He looked directly into Evan’s blue eyes. Evan felt his face pale. 

Connor’s family left slowly. First, his parents, then Zoe left after she squeezed Evan’s hand in a comforting way and glared at Connor. 

The door shut and one of the most horrible smiles Evan had ever seen spread across Connor’s face. 

“ So, _Buddy?_ What’s up? “ 

“ Um, I’m so sorry! “ 

“ For what? I’m the one who forgot you. My bad, _bro_.” 

 

Evan felt his blood pressure drop and his throat dried. He had somehow been convinced that he was actually Evan’s friend?

_How? Why?_

Who did this? Cynthia? It had to be her. His dad would never be able to convince him.

Connor stared at him. A blank dead-eyed look. It made Evan nervous.

“ I’ll be honest.” Connor said, “I lied to you. ”

Evan looked confused so he explained further.

“ In my emails to you. ” he said.  
  
_Oh god,_ Evan thought.

His mouth fell open and he tried to will himself to speak.  
“ Yeah. I lied about everything. That I was better. That you helped. I…” His voice cracked and Connor scowled at his actions. _Damn pills._ This did not have the impact he wanted while his throat was hoarse.  
“ I really am a sociopath. ”  
Evan blinked at him,“ What?”  
Connor forced his head up and he stared at Evan. Eyes full of nothing. No expression of remorse. “ I do it on purpose. Make them hate me. I let myself go and hurt them. ” he said in a dull tone. “ It was going well. Almost worked. You saw their faces. They were upset to see me take up their oxygen. ”  
Evan was frozen. He could not believe what he heard. That someone could speak like this.  
“ But, you. ” Evan’s heart skipped. “ I strung you along. Lied about feeling anything. Why would… I don’t get why I wrote that. But, Cynthia insisted. ”  
Evan wanted to scream. No. No, now he had Connor on the hook too? This was awful.  
“ I look at you and I feel nothing. You’re like a stranger. ”  
Because we are strangers, Evan thought to himself. God, he was going to hell. He was going to burn for this. He should say something.  
“ I’d apologize. But, I’d be lying. Probably shouldn’t do that more. ”  
  
“ C-Connor.”  
  
“ It’s weird, though. ”

Evan swallowed hard. He did not like how Connor spoke. This reminded him of one of those suspense movie villains.  This cold and deliberate tone of voice. Like he chooses his words carefully and crafts his sentences with a lot of care. But, in a sinister way.  
“ I remember every else. Shoving you. Yelling at you for that psychotic letter. ”

“ Oh. Y-You had it whe-”  
  
“ Yeah. Cynthia told me. ”  
  
Evan paused. “ Why do….”  
  
“ It’s easier. I pretend she isn’t my mom. Then, I can detach. ”  
  
Evan didn’t speak.  ‘ Detatch’ he said. He...wanted to be numb to everything. Evan sympathized with that. And, that fact scared him. He wished that so many times. That he could just stop feeling anything and go through the motions without worry.  
“ I’ll do better next time. But, don’t tell them. I’ll make sure its far away from everyone next time. ”

Evan paled and started to speak.

Connor’s expression darkened for a moment and Evan’s voice left. He was so afraid of that look in the other’s eyes.

“ But, you are a problem, “ he said. It sounded like he was angry. Evan felt the urge to run away grow within him but his legs refused to move.

“ So, Hansen. Tell me. “ He leaned forward with a soft groan. The stitched from his stomach surgery were aching a bit. Damn it. “ How do I get you to hate me?” Connor asked.  
  


Evan’s voice left him. What was he talking about? Why did… oh no.

  
No no no no no!

He really bought those emails.  
  


He was asking him sincerely. Evan felt his breath come back. The other looked at him with a calm expression.

\--  

End of Chapter 1. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably not going to update til next week. Re-writing some things.


	2. lies settled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan is prvy to a sibling argument and begins to wonder if he and Connor can be friends.

I hope no one comes off as out of character.  
\- 

“ L-look, I… I need to tell you the… “

“ I can’t have loose ends, Hansen. “

He sounded really calm all of a sudden. Like he was just talking about the weather or a news story. But, he meant that he wanted to off himself again.

“ Y-you… want me to help you… make me hate you?”

But, I can’t hate you if I feel nothing for you in the first place! He thought to himself.

“ Yep. Can’t really kill myself If I think you’ll get in my way.”

A bitter laugh escaped his lips. ‘ Get in your way? That’s rich. I already get in everyone’s way. I can’t help it. But, he really wanted to go still. Even with this great family he had?

“ ...Why do you want to die? “

Connor made a face. His eyes drifted to the cast on Evan’s arm. That sent Evan into distress. Connor tilted his head to one side and looked up at Evan’s eyes.

“ … You said before that you ‘ fell ‘. “ he spoke with a cold stare. “ But did you actually fall… or did-”

Don’t! Please. Don’t make me remember.

“ W-we went to the orchard together! “ Evan insisted.

Connor blinked at him. That did not sound like something he would do. Go anywhere with anyone. But, he could recall that he went ahead and reached out to this dork here. At school, he walked up to this guy and talked with him. It almost went okay, but he read that letter.

He gritted his teeth and a glare formed.

“ You… wrote about Zoe. “ he said.

Evan took a giant step backward.

“ You should stay away from her. She’s not who you think. She’s just better at pretending to be normal than me. “ 

Evan started a retort. He was upset that Connor would talk about his Zoe that way. That kind wonderful girl. How dare he!?

But, Zoe stepped into the room. She eyed Connor as she approached the best. Connor’s mouth formed a grin as she did.

“ Connor….”

“ Zoey? What’s up, Sis? Sorry, I wanted you to have my room when I left but oh well. You’ll get it soon enough, Kiddo. “

She grimaced and her stare faltered. Evan felt a bit of anger rise into his chest.

What the hell was wrong with him? He was being an ass to these wonderful people. He was probably doing it on purpose too.

“ Connor, Please. Don’t… do this again. Don’t… kill yourself. “

Connor’s smile faded and he stared at her. A blank expression on his face.

“ Why are you acting like this? “he asked, tilting his head a bit.

Zoe stared at him and batted her eyes away from him. She glanced at Evan for a fraction of a second but Connor caught on. A derisive laugh came from him.

“ Oh. “ he said, the grin was back.

“ It...It’s not like that. “

“ Oh. But it is! You just don’t want Hansen to know- “

“Connor! “

“ That you absolutely hate me. “

“ Please- “

“ That you wish I died. “

She stumbled backward and her lip trembled. Connor stared at her with an unnerving look in his eyes. A disgusting smile was all over his face.

Evan stepped forward. He put a shaky hand on Zoe’s shoulder.

“ C-Connor, Please stop. You’re upsetting her. “

“ Good. “ Connor said. “ If you’re upset with me, then LEAVE. “

Zoe opened her mouth. “ … I… hate you. “

“ I know. I know, Zoe. Now go away. “

He made a shooing motion.

Evan scrunched up his face at him and Connor smirked. “ Oh good. So you hate me now too, Right? “ he asked.

“N-no! “ Evan said. He was shaking. Anxiety filled him but he continued to stare at Connor. “I...pity you.”

That made Connor grimace. Zoe’s face shifted, to confusion. She looked at Evan. Connor felt sweat bead on his cheek. Damn it. God fucking damn it. He was so upset. Why did that upset him so much? This kid meant nothing to him. So why...Why did that sentence feel like a needle through his heart?

“Get the fuck out. “ Connor growled. “ Or… “ Connor started to move his legs. They felt so stiff and it hurt to move them. But, the pain was nothing new to him.

Evan stumbled but he stayed mostly there. His stern look faltered a bit. Zoe let out a sob, Which caused Connor to freeze. Evan blinked at him.

For a second, he thought there was an expression of remorse there on his face. It was replaced by a deep frown. Connor shot her a glare.

“ I told you to leave, “ he said cooly. “ Now get. Go pretend that I was mean to you and whine to our dad. He likes you. He’ll come in and punish me. “

Zoe’s lip trembled again. She looked conflicted. “ Don’t… kill yourself, “ she repeated.

Connor whirled around to face her. He glared intensely at her. “ Why? So I can be miserable, Zoe? Does that just do it for you? “ he asked. Zoe scrunched up her face into a scowl. Her fist balled up.

Good, Connor thought. Hit me. Hit me as hard as you can.

But she did not. She let her hand fall open and scoffed at him. Her face was full of annoyance. “ Can’t you just...pretend for a little longer and move out? Do it for Mom. She cares about you. “ she said, in a tone that clearly stated that the other two members of his family did not.

Connor’s face got solemn for a moment. He dropped his gaze from her eyes and chuckled as he pushed himself back into bed. “Whatever, “ he mumbled. “ That’s real easy for you to say. “

Evan looked at Zoe in shock. This was not the girl he met before. The girl he was dating right now. This girl was someone else. Connor looked up at Evan and caught sight of the shocked look. He forced a smile that read ‘see? She’s not who you thought, huh?’

“ Evan,“ Zoe called him without looking at him. “ let’s just go. Come on. “

She held out her hand for him to grab and he took it with a bit of hesitation. His mother was waiting outside for them. She patted Evan’s shoulder with a warm smile. His dad walked up and slid an arm around his shoulders with a lopsided smile.

Connor’s face shifted to a grim look. Oh, so you’ve replaced me. Well, that makes this easier.


	3. - 3 Lies discovered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- Evan considers telling Connor the truth.  
> -

Preview :  
“ God. You are such a pain in the ass. Why don’t you just go comfort them? I know you want to. Go on. Be their dream son.” he spat. And, for the first time today, Evan felt himself sink. 

“It’s…not- “  
“ It is! “  
\---  
Characters : Zoe, Connor , Cynthia and Larry.  
Words : 1,655  
Warnings : Suicide mention, Ship teasing??  
\---

 

Chapter 3. Lies discovers.

Evan felt conflicted. He saw the way Connor looked when Zoe pulled him out of the room. That look in his eyes. Longing and a bit of jealousy. 

He knew that feeling. 

Zoe sighed after a bit and stopped in the hallway. She looked at Evan with an upset expression. “ I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have seen that “ she said softly. Her eyes moved away from Evans and she pushed back some hair with her hand.  
“ That was really not very...friendly. Is... “ Evan stopped himself before he asked ‘ Is he always like that? ‘. That would be a tell. A sign that he lied. He did lie, and he should tell her the truth. 

“ I know. I know..that’s...just kind of us, “ She said. “ He’s always pushing me to act badly. And I always...” her voice cracked. She looked a bit frustrated. 

“ I... think Connor is...just going through a lot. “ Evan said and instantly regretted it. Zoe shot him a glare. 

“ You wouldn’t understand! He likes you. You’re best friends! “  
Evan felt his throat catch up. This was bad. Because they were not friends. Connor did not know him. 

“ Y-yeah. Sorry. “ He looked down at his hands. Zoe pulled a smile and shook her head. Her hand clasped around his. And, Evan felt even worse. 

\-- 

The next day, Evan came into the hospital room in time to catch the tail end of an incident. 

Cynthia was crying into her hands and Connor was shouting at her. 

“ Stop it. “ he was saying to her. “ You always do this. “ 

Evan had wanted to help but he had frozen in place. Mr. Murphy had come in and pulled Connor up by the collar. But he had not done anything else. He had dropped Connor and pushed Mrs. Murphy out of the room. 

Zoe had stayed and spoken to Connor in hushed tones. It had been clear by Connor’s face that her words had made an impact on him. 

“ Get out! “ he had said. And she did.  
She had pulled Evan’s arm and made him come away with her too. 

Evan had never noticed the monitors before. But he had thought it was strange how the one connected to his heart had been beating so fast.  
And he realized later, that Connor was shaking when he left.  
\- 

Now, Evan stood in the doorway. He looked at Connor, who was picking at his stitches with his hospital gown pulled up. The blanket had thankfully covered his bottom half but he did not drop it when he saw Evan there. 

“ What do you want? “ he grumbled, wrinkling his brow at him. This kid never took a hint, he thought bitterly. 

Evan wondered briefly, why did he keep coming back here? He could just pretend that he was too hurt to come. He could have done that. But, here he was, reaching out to someone who did not want to speak with him. He was so foolish. 

“ I just wanted to come check in on you.” 

Connor made a face and Evan laughed nervously. “ Um, I saw that so er... What...” he trailed off. Connor scoffed and went back to picking at his stitches. 

“ She was saying the same bullshit as always,” he said. “ ‘ Oh Connor! We didn’t know you were suffering! We’re sooooo sorry’ ” His voice was pitched up to match Cynthia's and Evan had to bit his lip to keep himself from a comment. “ That's a big lie. They knew. They all knew. They just didn’t fucking care. “ 

Evan could not understand this. None of this made no sense. Those loving people who opened their arms to him and accepted him into their lives. Those people ignored Connor's pain? That seemed wrong. 

Connor looked up and frowned deeply. He knew that face. 

“ Tch. You think I’m making this up, Huh? Some friend. “ 

“ Sorry.” And he was. He of all people should know not to judge or assume people are lying about their pain. But, Connor continued to scowl at him.  
“ God. You are such a pain in the ass. Why don’t you just go comfort them? I know you want to. Go on. Be their dream son.” he spat. And, for the first time today, Evan felt himself sink. 

“It’s...not- “  
“ It is! “ 

Evan was dumbfounded. He thought of all those lovely moments he had with Mr. Murphy and the glove. Those stories Cynthia told him with a big smile on her face. The way Zoe smiled when he was around. 

To Connor, he had been replaced by a stranger. One who claimed he was his best friend. “ Oh, my....,.Connor. I’m so... S-sorry. I...didn’t...” 

Connor scrunched up his face. “Whatever. Good for them. They found a better son. “ he said. There was a bitterness in his voice. But, Evan was sure he heard a tinge of sadness. 

“ Nothing I could do about it now. They obviously like you better. Why should I bother to even try? “ 

“ So, you’re going to keep pushing them away? “ 

“ Yeah? You have a problem with that? “ 

“ It’s just that…if you keep up this…no one will cry for your death.”  
“Tell me why I’d like that?”  
“ What? ”  
“ For them to cry. Why would I want them to fall apart like that over me? ”  
“ I didn’t me-”  
“That’s so messed up. Why would I want them to suffer more because of me?”  
Evan looked at him, absolutely stunned by his words. But mostly, at how much he misjudged Connor. “ You care, “ he said. 

Connor reeled back from him. He looked so embarrassed in that brief moment before he scrunched up his face. “ S-Shut up,” he growled in a strangled voice. He was shaking now. Evan thought he never looked so fragile before. Which he thought was strange. This boy had survived an attempt and got his stomach pumped. He must be hungry and tired. Those stitches were obviously bothering him. 

Evan refused to let go of his hand. “Um. What are those stitches for? “ he asked. He knew stomach pumps did not usually have surgery.

“ Oh. “ Connor looked up at him. He seemed thankful for the topic shift. The dark haired boy shrugged and he pulled his hand through his hair to push it back. Evan could not help but think of how Zoe did the same thing. 

“ They had to have emergency surgery because I kicked the doctor in the face and wouldn’t let them sedate me for the pump, “ he said, a small grin formed. He looked a bit proud. Evan winced as he tried to imagine that. 

“ I think they just didn’t want to deal with me. And the doctor wanted to cut me open. “ Connor said with a dry laugh. He looked around the room. 

“ I never asked, but how long have I been here? “ 

Evan blinked at him. Connor looked like he did when he met Evan in the computer lab. As though he was straining to keep a pleasant demeanor on. It made him feel uncomfortable.  
“ ... You don’t have to...” he started to say but he stopped himself. Let him have this. 

“ Um. I guess you’ve been out for three weeks? “ 

“ You guess? “  
Connor cocked an eyebrow and his pleasant demeanor slipped a bit. Evan moved back and his shoulders went up a bit. Oh, that’s right. Best friends. He should know the exact date that Connor fell asleep. 

“Sorry? I got, um...” 

“ Distracted? “ 

“ Um. “ 

“ By my sister? “ 

Evan fell silent. Connor was staring at him with a disgusted look. That made him feel worse. God, he was awful. 

“ I see how she looks at you. So you started dating her? Did you hold hands yet? “ he asked in a mocking tone of voice. Evan felt will keep going shrivel up. He dropped his chin and retracted his hand from Connor’s. 

How long had he held that hand? His felt sweaty. His palm felt...strangely empty now. 

Tell him. Tell him the truth. Tell him you monster. 

Connor shook his head and leaned back in the bed. He looked out the window and scoffed. “Whatever. You’re so fake. Why’d I end up with such a fake ass friend? “ 

“ W-we’re not... “ 

“ Huh? “ Connor turned his head to look at him. He scrunched up his face. “Stop mumbling and spit it out, “ he shouted. 

“ We’re not friends.” 

Connor seemed to freeze. The monitor showed his heart skipped a beat and his blood pressure spiked. His breathing was getting faster. 

“ What? “

Evan refused to meet those eyes. 

“ I...made it up. The... letters were. I made everything up. I...wanted to...to.” 

Connor lurched forward and Evan finally looked at him. His heart sank when he saw that expression. Why did Connor have to look so sad? 

“... Get out.” 

Evan flinched at the voice he heard. 

“ Get out. Get the fuck out! “ Connor shouted so loud that everyone in the hall turned to look. Evan heard Zoe’s voice and heard footsteps. 

He rushed out and met her at the door. His hand wrapped around hers and he pulled her away. But not before he glanced back at Connor. 

His hair had fallen forward and he was hunched over. His shoulders were shaking and he seemed to be crying. 

A well-meaning group of nurses came in and he blew up again. 

\-- 

Connor woke up from his sedation. His throat ached but so did his chest. He looked out the window. For the first time, he realized how high up he was. 

An idea sprung into his head. “ That’s the ticket.”

\--  
Heads up that Jared is going to show up soon.  
And I may have to end the ' plot' before I get to outright shipping fuel.


	4. -4.  lies beneath us.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared makes an entrance?   
> Connor reacts to the news...badly.   
> Talk of Suicide warning.

Warning : Talk of Suicide and attempts.   
\--- 

A familiar face stepped into the hospital and Connor glared at him. It was Kleinman, that asshole. He wondered what insult this kid would throw at him now. But, he also got a distinct feeling that Jared was a loser and knew it. 

“ You here to help me? “ he asked sarcastically.   
Jared looked at him and Connor blinked in surprise. That expression was not one he ever saw on Jared’s face at school. His eyes were red as though he had been crying a lot. It was easy to guess why. 

“ Did you and Hansen break up? “ 

“ Yeah. “ 

Connor stared at him, cocking an eyebrow and tilted his head to one side. 

“Ok?”

“ Evan doesn’t have any friends,” Jared said bitterly, he sunk into the empty chair next to Connor’s bed. 

“ Yeah. Did you know he wrote a bunch of bullshit emails about me and him being best friends? “ Connor asked with a forced grin. Jared froze in place. He glanced up at Connor. 

“ So he told you?” 

Connor paused and shot Jared a look. What the hell? 

“ So you knew? Wow. Did you two have fun laughing your asses off and lying about me? I never talk like that and you know it.” 

Jared made a face. He dropped his gaze down to his clenched hands and hunched his shoulders. 

“I... told him that he should tell people the truth, “ he said. “ But, not until Evan showed what a fake guy he was. “ 

Connor stared at Jared and listened intently. 

“ He wanted me to keep quiet about it. He doesn’t want to tell the ...your parents. “ 

Connor moved his head down and nodded. “Thanks for the info. Now you can go. “ 

Jared looked like he wanted to say more but he lost the nerve. He got up from his chair and started to walk out. But, he paused at the doorway. 

“ Sorry. That I kept making fun of you. You shouldn’t have to- “ 

“ Get out, Kleinman! “

Jared narrowly dodged a pillow that was aimed at his head. 

Then, Connor was left alone. He drew his mouth into a thin line and sighed into his hand. His eyes shut tight. Damn it. 

It was true. Evan did lie. He made it up. 

Of course, Connor had no friends. He stopped getting friends when he threw that printer. No one would bother to try with him after that. 

He felt like he was sinking again. His chest felt heavy. But, he willed himself to get up from the bed and limped to the door. No one was there now. 

He managed to rush into a nearby stairwell. He was gone. 

\--

Evan rushed to Connor’s room. He wanted to apologize. Try and make up for those lies. At least he could try. 

However, when he arrived he saw only Zoe and her family. They were rushing around, looking under things. In the bathroom and the storage compartment. Under the bed. 

Connor was gone. 

Evan stared at the scene. He knew in an instant that he needed to find Connor. But where would he have gone? 

He turned on his heels and rushed out. But he stopped short of the stairway. Connor’s voice rang in his ears and he knew that was the first place he needed to check. 

\---

Connor stood next to the edge. The hospital had a platform but no fence line. Evan wished that it did. Connor was a thin person and it looked like a strong gust could send him off. It took Connor a while to notice him but he scowled at Evan when he did. 

“ Connor! Pleas-” 

“ You son of a bitch. ”   
“ Connor, please. Step away from the ledge! ”  
“ Stop pretending we’re friends, Hansen.”  
“ What? ”   
“ Your friend told me everything.”   
Evan’s heart stops for a moment. Had Jared come over? He knew that he confessed but Connor got confirmation from someone else? This was awful. 

“ Oh m-my god…Connor, I’m -”   
Connor laughs in a derisive tone. 

“ It makes sense now. Why I didn’t remember.” 

Evan stepped forward before Connor stepped backward, Towards the edge of the roof. 

“ This is easier. Your lie works better of I’m dead. ” 

No. No why is he doing this?   
Evan thought he broke through and got Connor to open up to him. But he realizes that’s what's wrong. 

 

“ Connor. I don’t want you to-”  
“ Bullshit. ” 

Evan winced because he saw Connor’ s face as it comes out from the tangled brown hair. He looked sad and betrayed.

“ I’m sorry. Please. Please falling is the worst way…”  
“ Living in worse than anything!” 

Evan starts walking forward but Connor stays put this time.

“ But it hurts. And you don’t. …pass out immediately.” 

Connor paused and looked at him. A solemn smile is spread over his face. Understanding showed in his eyes. 

“ You. You let go.” 

Evan realizes that he has hold of Connor’s arm. 

“Let go of me.”   
He does not.  
“ You…are fucking stupid, ” Connor says. “ I treated you like shit since you got here.”

Evan paused to consider the other’s words. 

“ I lied about you…everything, just so people would (maybe )care about me. So, I’m just as bad. ” 

“ How do you keep from killing yourself? ” Connor bluntly asked.   
Evan looked away.

“ I,” His lip trembled.“ I kind of…tried ...remember? ” he said. Connor looked surprised, there was a flicker of guilt. “Oh. The tree, huh? Is that why you’re stopping me?”

Evan gulped. 

“ Oh, but fuck. This is a 10-floor building. ”

” Didn’t you ever research...That…when you fall it’s not the impact. It’s the slow internal bleeding. You just suffocate on-“ 

” Holy shit, Hansen. And I thought I had problems! “ 

Evan’s grip on Connor’s hand loosened and he took that opportunity. The other rushed over to the ledge. But, Evan tackled him again. Connor winced and realized he was shaking. Evan looked down and saw why.   
There was a spot of blood down by his stomach.

"How?”

“ Oh…yeah. The stitches itched so I scratched them out this morning. No…body …even checked. ”

Connor’s breathing was shallow and he could not keep himself up. Evan looked around for some button to call the nurse but saw none. It must be inside the stairway. 

Instead, he pulled out his phone and texted Zoe: [Found Connor ]. 

He started to move forward but he froze when he heard sniffles. For a moment he did not look over. It could not be. Evan glanced over at Connor and his mouth dropped open.

“ Damn it. Don’t you…fucking look over here.” Connor mumbled through sobs. “ God damn it. It really hurts. Think…the meds are wearing off. ”

Connor knew that he had started to pass out. No one made sense anymore. His eyes fluttered. Thoughts came to him that he probably should not think about right now

\---- 

Connor could remember the moment he realized this might work. He was laying back on his floor. The ceiling started to twist around and he felt the air leave his lungs. It kind of hurt. He could feel his eyes get heavy.

But… Her voice rang through his ears. 

'God damn it ,mom', he thought. 

She was touching his arm at the wrist. A panicked tone came to her voice. It confused him. 

Why did she act like she cared? Did she still care? 

He attempted to tell her off. His mouth fell open and a strangled sound came out instead of words.

'Connor! Oh my god. Connor, Please….'

No. Don’t sound like that. Damn it, Mom. You’re not supposed to talk like that. Not to me. You’re not supposed to care about me!

Zoe’s voice came next.

' Mom, Connor dr- WHAT THE HELL? Why… Why is he…. ? '

Her voice sounded- that had to be a mistake!

God. Just bring the whole fucking family in here, why don’t you.?

He wanted the drugs to take him quick.

' His pulse is slowing! '

Connor’s body convulsed and he made more strangled gasps. Zoe let out a sob. 

He felt confused for a brief moment and everything went dark.

Why did they sound like they actually cared? This was a mistake. He was just hearing things. 

They didn’t.... they couldn’t. 

When he woke up again, it was in the hospital. He felt numb and cold. He felt like he was freezing. The blanket was not thick enough. He tried to move but his legs refused.

He attempted to speak but nothing came out of his mouth. He could not move at all. The hospital was moving around him. It took him a moment to realize he was on a stretcher.

Great. So I failed, he thought. 

The present Connor’s eyes opened again. He felt something dug into his arm and found himself surrounded. Evan was there and ...Dad? 

He was saying something. 

What? 

Connor wanted to speak but words refused to come. Only a whimper. 

God, Larry would love this. His pathetic excuse for a son. Being pathetic and sad again. He would speak his mind, and Evan would get to see the Larry that Connor knew.   
\- End chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I'll try to post Chapter 5 next Monday.


	5. -5 : Lie down.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of his attempt. Some closure happens for everyone.

Warnings: Suicide, self-harm, Dark themes.  
Characters: Connor Murphy , Evan Hansen, Larry Murphy, Zoe Murphy, Cynthia Murphy. Jared  
—

Larry was there too. He stared at Connor for a moment but the boy refused to meet his gaze. He’s angry at me, Connor thinks. He’s just going to leave… His thoughts are interrupted by hurried footsteps only made with dress shoes.

Connor recoiled when Larry picked him up. He felt the panic rise as he is carried into the hospital.

Larry did not speak. Evan did, and Connor grimaced. Their conversation was just so easy. The words seemed to come out naturally. And Larry cracked a smile at Evan. 

Connor leaned forward so he could whisper in Larry’s ear. Evan did not hear what he said. And the grip on him loosened enough that Connor started to fall. He thought he would but Larry’s arms tightened around him quick. He pulled his arm around Connor's back and frowned deeply. Evan stopped talking to him and looked at his hands. 

Connor was shaken now and the tears rushed back. He waited for Larry to call him dramatic. Nothing. He peeked out and saw Evan’s face, that made him duck his head back behind his greasy hair. That look of pity hurt his pride.  
\--

Evan stopped short of the door. 

Larry walked over to the bed with Connor still in his arms and for a moment Connor expected him to just drop him on his back to his great new son. He was surprised when Larry gently placed him down and carefully pulled a blanket over him. The two of them were silent for a while, Connor refused to look at his father. 

The nurses came in to treat Connor’s wounds. Larry stepped back and watched. Evan saw the despair in the older man’s eyes. Connor expected him to go but he stayed put and watched them treat him. It was a bit painful for him since they had to use needles to administer pain killers and a doctor had to come into re-administer the stitches. This time a thick bandage was placed around Connor to prevent him from re-opening them. 

Connor felt relieved when they left him alone. He managed to stop himself from tears while strangers were there. He felt like he might be okay but he is not happy with that. This is awful. 

If Larry would leave and stop pretending to be a father. Stop putting this pressure on him to pretend they were close. He did not want Evan to see this side of his life.

He flinched when a hand carefully touched his head. Connor glanced up and was surprised to see it was his father’s hand. It felt hesitant like Larry was just as reluctant to admit he was wrong. But, that was enough to make Connor lose it. Because his dad has not touched him in an affectionate fatherly way in years. He only realized now how much he wanted to be hugged or patted. Anything nice would be welcomed. He was so desperate. 

Connor curled up and sobbed into his arms. The sound filled the room and echoed down the hallway. Larry paused for a moment before he patted Connor’s head gently. 

Connor thought he did not deserve anything. Kids like him did not deserve love. 

He waited for Larry to scold him. To be called dramatic or hysterical. Instead, he felt the hand run through his hair. Larry laughed softly and said, “ You got too much hair,” In a gentle tone. " to let it get this dirty." 

The bed shifted. Connor shivered when he felt fingers on his shoulder. He remembered the last time Larry touched him, Connor nearly strangled him. His heart sped up as fear took over him. Was he going to do that now? Was that moment before a trick. Now that he was vulnerable the old man was here for revenge. 

But instead of that, Mr. Murphy pulled Connor into his arms again. He held Connor close and the boy cried harder. He did not deserve this. Why was Larry doing this? 

Mrs. Murphy walked in but she stayed put. She looked so touched that Connor would let this happen. No one told her that Connor was too weak to stop it. Evan refused to let himself ruin this moment with logical thoughts. 

Larry reluctantly placed Connor back onto the mattress when the young man fell asleep. He stayed there by his son and continued to pat Connor’s head gently. A worried look stayed on his face, and Evan could have sworn there were tears too. 

Evan walked closer but said nothing.

Yet, He knew that he needed to tell them the truth too. They were good people. Even Connor was halfway decent. Evan was still shocked by those tears. He felt shocked at how desperately Connor wanted to believe he had a friend. He did not deserve a fake friend like him.

\-- 

“ Dad, It hurts,” Connor said. It had been hours since he moved or looked alive. Larry never left his bedside. Connor looked up at his father, A solemn smile on his face. “ It hurts.” 

Larry looked over at the nurse with an accusatory expression. “ What’s wrong with you? Up his pain medication. ” 

Connor’s hand pulled on Larry’s sleeve. He shook his head weakly. “ Not…that. breathing hurts,” He took an unsteady breath. His face scrunched up a bit. “ Living hurts. It…hurts every day. ”

Evan realized that Connor was trying to open up about his struggles. The way he looked up at Larry made Evan wonder. It was like he tried this before and Larry had not listened that time.  
But this time, recognition flashed over Larry’s face. His eyes widened and his hand grabbed hold of Connor’s hands. Gently squeezing his hands in his. He hunched over a bit with an ashamed look spread over his wrinkled face. 

“ I…I’m sorry. ” he croaked out. “ I’m so sorry, Connor. I didn’t help you earlier. I didn’t. …I’m listening now. ” 

Connor’s face scrunched up more and he rubbed at his eyes with his other hand.  
“ I don’t know if it will matter, ” he said. “ I’ve felt like this for ten years before I started to. ..but um. I’m. ..it's good that you’ll listen. ” Larry shook his head. “ I should have listened sooner. Connor, I …love you , son.

Connor looked hesitant to return the words but Larry patted his hand. “ I know. It’s okay. Just try to rest. ”

Evan did not stay to listen to the rest. It was a private talk between a father and son. He hoped that Mr. Murphy was not lying to Connor. That he was honest with him. 

But Zoe told him later on that Connor was being moved to the ward with Psychiatric help. And they would try to get him on something that would help him. Evan felt like at least there was good that came out of this mess he made.

– 

Connor asked to see him. And he managed a lopsided smile when Evan came in. Evan gulped and walked over cautiously. Connor laughed a bit, “ I’m not going to bite you. ” he said.

Evan let out a nervous laugh. He did not want to cause a problem. They sat in silence for a while before Connor spoke. 

“ Hey, Evan?” 

“ Y-yes?”

“ Don’t tell them .”

“ What?”

“ Don’t tell them you lied. ”

Evan looked up to see Connor’s eyes stare into his. God, he had an intense gaze. The teenager reeled back a bit. Why did his face feel hot? This was the reaction he got around Zoe, not Connor. He tried to force those thoughts down.

“ You ok, Evan?” Connor asked. Why did he sound concerned? 

“ Why?” Evan gasped out.  
Connor looked confused.

“ Why are you…”  
Connor looked down and ran his fingers through his hair.  
“ They don’t need more reasons to be angry. ”  
He looked so fragile to Evan. So much more pale than before too. Like life had already left him. It scared Evan. 

“ Connor, Are…you okay?”

Connor glanced up at him and laughed in a nervous way.

“ I…think…maybe. I might be. ” he said with a shrug. “ I…don’t think I am allowed outside for awhile. But, um…that orchard, the one you talked about with my mom. We should go there if I get out. ”

Evan hated the way he talked. His hand moved and grasped Connor’s tightly.  
“ Don’t talk like that. Like I won’t see you again. ”  
Connor looked down at their hands and sighed.  
“ I wish that it wasn’t… a lie.”  
Evan swallowed a hard lump and grimaced at his tone. It sounded like Connor had given up on everything. He hated that sound. It was supposed to get better when you told people about your struggles. But, he knew that it only got harder. 

“ Sorry. I know you got your own shit to deal with. ”  
“I don’t mind. ”Evan mumbled. Connor sighed again and leaned forward. His head rested on Evan’s shoulder briefly.

“ Can we keep pretending? That were friends? ” Evan felt his lip tremble. He cautiously wrapped his arm around Connor and nodded. “Yeah.” But he wished they were not pretending. This was a confusing feeling for him. Why did he want this moment to last? 

Jared coughed loudly and Connor jerked himself away from Evan. He squinted at the other and sighed in aggravation. “ Hey, Kleinman. You here to get your baby back? “ he asked.

“ Yeah. I’m here to put ‘Baby’ back in a corner. “ 

Back to the sarcastic crutch. The moment was gone now. Evan sighed and shot both of them a glare. He did not want to deal with this. He was barely able to keep his anxiety down, but the pills seemed to be working today, at least. 

It took them a few minutes to actually explain to Jared what happened. But he paled when he heard about the attempt on the roof. He looked at Connor and guilt shone in his eyes. 

Connor reached out and lightly punched him. It did not look like it hurt but Jared made a face like he wanted to cry or scream. “ Geez. You gotta get back your strength, Murphy, “ he said, trying and failing to pull off a smile. 

“ He needs to eat better. “ Evan chimed in.  
“ Dude, I don’t even think he eats. “ 

Connor squinted at Jared but looked guilty enough that Jared winced. He started to apologize but Connor interrupted.  
“ I just didn’t feel like I …deserved food. Pretty messed up right? I…haven’t really been eating until I got here. I refuse to be hooked up to a feeding tube! “ 

“ Yeah. My mom said those are really a bad experience. “ Evan said. Connor blinked at him. Jared explained it for him. “ His mom’s a nurse. She works here. “ 

“ Oh. “ Connor looked back down at his hands. The I.V was back into his wrist. Supplying something to him. He wondered what that was. His wrists ached. So did his chest, but he felt a bit better than he did earlier. 

“ Hospital food is shitty. Though. Maybe I should sneak you in some fast food? “ Jared offered with a forced smile. Evan could tell he was trying to make up for his shitty behavior and the lie. 

“ …Compared to the healthy food my mom tried to shove down our throats, it’s a feast. But yeah, If you want to get a pizza delivered here then go ahead. “ Connor replied. There was a lopsided smile on his lips again, But his eyes twinkled a bit this time. 

Evan felt his face heat up again. Jared noticed but Connor did not. He frowned and looked at Connor with a harsh expression for a second.

“ I’ll see what I can do. “ he said, standing up and adjusting his shirt. 

“ It’s late. “ Connor said. He looked at Evan. “You should bring him back. “ His tone made it clear that it was not a suggestion. Evan shifted in his chair and looked at Jared. He expected the other to refuse. After the crap he had done, he deserved that. 

“ Oh, Right. Come on M’lady. “ Jared said, grabbing Evan’s arm. He pulled the boy out of the room too fast for Connor to even say Bye. 

 

Connor watched them go and sighed as he leaned back onto the pillow carefully. Everything ached right now. Maybe he needed to call a nurse? But it was late. He did not want to bother them. Besides, this amount was normal for him. 

His mother walked over to Connor. She opened her mouth but she stopped herself. Connor did not look up. “ ...Sorry, I’m a bad son. I know.” he said. Cynthia’s eyes widened and she started to argue but he interrupted her. “ No. I’m bad. it’s okay. I know it.”  
“...I didn’t try hard enough.”  
Connor flinched and tried to shake his head. Nothing moved. He was too weak to talk anymore. While Evan was here, he tried to pretend that he was okay. That the strength had not left him. 

“ ...I’ll do better. “ His mother said. She did not close the distance between them. But she was admitting her faults. That was something. 

She bowed her head. “ Get some rest, Sweetie, “ she said and walked out the door. 

Connor felt that familiar urge claw back into his heart but he tried not to think about it. His thoughts were not pleasant but he tried to stop them. 

Not today. 

He needed to let them all rest. Connor could feel himself slip into unconsciousness. 

— 

Jared paused in the hospital parking lot. He finally released Evan’s arm but he did not turn around. 

“ Jared, I… I’m s-sorry about…. “ 

Jared shrugged, “ It’s fine. I guess, Connor’s not mad so there’s nothing to do about it. “ he grumbled. His face made it clear that he was not fine with this. He looked furious. 

Evan’s chest ached and he did not know why. It might have been an attack but he had felt that pain a lot more lately. 

“ I just…don’t want to… I can’t lose a real friend. “ Evan said, His voice trembled. 

In an instant arms wrapped around him and Jared sighed into his shoulder. “You’re really fucking stupid, Evan, “ he grumbled. Evan did not know how to reply. 

Tears poured out of his eyes. He realized that he had wanted to cry for a long time now but he had done to repress it. Not in front of Connor. He did not deserve to cry around him. Connor’s life was made worse by him. 

“ J-Jared. I m-messed up. I…” he sobbed and words would not form proper sentences. Jared frowned at his friend. He never seemed to know what to do when Evan got like this.  
“ Connor didn’t seem pissed off at you. So you two are probably cool. “

Evan shook his head. 

“ N-no! I… I m-messed up with …y-you! “ 

Jared flinched and his arms tightened around Evan. Evan knew he messed up a lot but this was a big one. He really messed this up. He should not have said that, any of that.

Not to Jared. 

Even with that car insurance blackmail from his parents that Jared made sure to remind Evan of constantly. He knew better now. Jared had been desperate to have a friend, even if he had to resort to that. But, Evan felt like Jared deserved a better friend. Connor did too. They were just stuck with an awful and selfish friend like him. 

“ I’m so… I… I didn’t mean it. “ 

“ Yes, you did. “ Jared interjected. Evan felt a sob burst out from his throat. it was over. He started to panic. 

Whatever Jared said next came out in a garbled mess. 

The next time he was conscious, it was in a white linen wrapped couch. Jared was there by him. He almost smiled until he saw Zoe, she was there too. Her face was full of bitterness and annoyance. 

“ Kleinman, I need to talk with him alone, “ she said in a soft voice. “ It’s about him and Connor. “ Evan felt his face pale. Did Jared tell her too? 

Jared did not seem to understand what she meant. He shrugged, patted Evan’s hand a bit and swaggered out into the hallway. “ I’ll come back, bro. “ Thanks, Evan thought. He closed his eyes and sighed into his hands. 

“ So when were you going to tell me? “ Zoe asked. She glared at him now. 

Evan dropped his gaze and shifted his weight around.

“Zoe.” a familiar voice said. Evan noticed Connor was there, in his hospital bed. 

“ Connor, don’t-” 

“ I said I was fine with it.“ He interrupted her. Zoe looked shocked. 

“You’re fine with him lying about you?” 

Connor just nodded. 

“ Um, I just…I’m sorry, Zoe. I…I’ll stop talking to you if you want. ” Evan did not look up, so she did not see her face. She let out an aggravated sigh. 

“ Okay, ” she said. Evan felt his chest tighten. 

Her gaze turned to Connor, who flinched at her glare. “ Connor! I told you not to kill yourself! ” 

“ I-it…” His voice cracked. That made Evan’s head snap up. The look on Connor’s face scared him. It was different from his normal expression.  
Zoe’s angry expression fell off her face a little. She frowned with a guilty look. 

“ Oh. Sorry. I forgot that you hate to be yelled at. ”

“ I dese-” 

“ Don’t ” her tone was gentle but stern. Evan watched on helplessly. Connor opened his mouth and spoke.

" I...can't control...how I feel. You...know that. But I just felt like...it was supposed to happen. That I...don't need to stay. "

“ Stop... talking like that, Connor. “ 

Connor’s whole body looked like sunk inward. He dropped his chin down and grimaced. His shaking hands formed a fist. “ ... Maybe I’ll just...stop talking, period. “ 

“ Connor....” 

Evan frowned, he could see what Connor meant now. The way he used to act made perfect sense to him now. He was used to this. “ ...You can’t...shut him down like that.” He said. 

Connor gulped loudly but he looked at Evan with a surprised expression. Zoe took a moment to understand what he meant. Her face fell completely as she realized. 

“ Oh my god. Connor.., I... I didn’t mean it like that. I...I’m not our parents! “ 

“ You...talk like them sometimes,” Connor said, avoiding eye contact with her. He made himself very interested in picking at his fingernails. God, he looked like he wanted to run. 

Zoe sighed softly. She carefully moved closer to Connor and tentatively reached out, touching his hand with hers. He did not pull his away but he made a face.  
How could she even stand to touch him after all the shit he said to her? 

“ ... I’m just...so tired of trying to reach them, “ he said in a bitter tone of voice. “ They just...don’t get it. But you... know that. “ 

“ We should really...force them to sit down with us, right? “ 

Connor sighed a little but he nodded at her. “ Earlier... I almost got to dad... but...I’m not sure he’s going to actually get me any help. I remember the last time I tried to ask for some. “ 

“ ...I’ll push at him until he does. And I’ll get mom to help. If we can gang up on him then he has to. “ 

Connor looked a bit defeated but he shrugged at Zoe. “ You can try it. I don’t know if he’ll actually listen,” he said. 

“ I’ll get my mom to join in,” Evan said, leaning over the couch and staring directly into Connor’s eyes. 

“ ... I guess you can try. “ Connor looked a bit more hopeful. He knew that Larry was only part of it. His mother was less honest about her apathy. If Zoe could convince her to fight for this, maybe... 

They eventually left. Connor was left alone with his thoughts. He looked back at the window and this new view of the blinds. This ward did not like patients seeing outside for some reason. 

He wanted to get out of here. That dark thought came back but he tried to think about something else. Evan came to mind, and Connor wished he could stop with those thoughts too. 

They were just pretend-friends. He should not think anything different. 

\---

Zoe looked up at Evan. “ I can’t believe how close you two are. He never listens to me that much. “ she breathed, a smile spread across her delicate face. “ Even if you lied, you two are good friends. “ 

Evan felt his heart sink. Why did he feel more himself around Connor than her? She was supposed to be his dream crush and she agreed to date him. So why did he always think about Connor? This was strange to him. 

Jared interrupted his thoughts with a sudden hug. “ I see you’re in one piece. So what are you two planning now? “ he asked, a mischevious grin on his face. 

“ Uh. You should take him home. But don’t upset him this time.” Zoe said in a cool tone. From Jared’s expression shift, Evan wondered is she yelled at him too. 

The three of them walked to the parking garage and Zoe listened to Jared talk about Evan’s childhood. Evan’s face turned red and he fumbled around in an attempt to shut him up. Zoe's pleasant laugh echoed through the garage. 

This was a good day. But, the good days did not last long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( * makes an ' I dunno' sound. )  
> Probably not going to update til next week. Re-writing some things. ( Hopefully, on Wednesday )


	6. -6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Attempts are made to improve Connor's life but he can't get past his parent's faults. Self-harm warning.

Connor regretted his plea. Almost the instant it left his lips.

He felt selfish. He wanted so much from Evan. His hope was pinned on this nervous wreck of a boy. It was not fair. He should really just…

No. No, he needed to stop that train of thought.  
Evan would…probably be sad. Maybe?

Connor’s head filled with doubt. He used to keep himself alive with the idea that his mother would be upset if he died.

But over time, he lost that hope. That his parents would cry. That Zoe would. That his life here somehow meant something to them.

It all slipped away freshman year. He was young and foolish. Sometimes he acted out for attention and that was normal teenager stuff. But, he was their first teen and his parents were not skilled at this parenting thing.

They made several mistakes. Yelling at Connor did nothing. Grounding him did nothing. Taking away his things did nothing.

So they gave up. And Connor lost hope that someone cared about him. He lost trust in his parents. That they had his best interests at heart. He only saw them as wanting to protect their own. 

Larry’s phrasing about how this reflected badly on him made it worse.

‘ So all you care about is your image .‘ Young Connor decided.

Cynthia’s words were poorly chosen. 

‘ So you just want me to go back to a perfect son you can brag about me being so smart? ‘ 

All their parent’s hopes moved to Zoe, and Connor fell behind.

He can not remember when he started drugs. Someone at school gave it to him. For a while, he could feel close to good about something. But afterward, he felt like he was dying.

His mother noticed but they gave up on punishing him by then. ‘He’s a man he can make his own mistakes. ‘ Larry said.

Connor knew then, his dad stopped loving him. He was just some kid who lived at his house now. Some kid who stole his food and lived in a room shoved off to the side of the house.

Most times, Connor did not even sleep in his room. He would lay on the basement floor without a blanket. Because he did not deserve blankets. He would get himself sick. But no one stayed home to take care of him. Zoe and Mom put in an effort, but it was hardly helpful.

He started to harm himself. In different innocent ways. He would lie and say ‘I cut myself shaving ‘ or ‘ I tripped’. His parents did not push the issue. So he continued to mark himself and scar his pale skin. 

Sometimes he just would not eat. It was not like his parents checked up on him. He would go a day without eating. Nearly pass out in the kitchen and eventually drink the whole milk carton. 

No one cared about him. No one ever did.

He was just a waste of potential. A failure to his dad.

Connor knew when he turned seventeen that he wanted out. So he started work on his plan. To make sure no one missed him.

So many arguments. Empty threats. Broken doors and dents in the walls. He threw a glass cup and barely missed Zoe’s head. One time he said something to her. When he became sober again, she refused to talk to him. She rushed out of the room and into hers. 

Zoe’s room got a brand new lock. So did Connor’s but it locked from the outside. For a while, it was okay.

He was researching ways to possibly do it. But something kept him there until he blew up at the wrong kid.

Evan had been on his radar since he started school. Connor knew he was too straight-laced to be seen with him. It would lead him to problems. Ruin their image. But when he shoved the poor tree-boy, it became something he had to fix.

Connor did not really understand why he tracked Evan down. Or why Evan did not run away. He assumed that letter was …important to him.

Whenever he came lost the adrenaline rush it dawned on him what that was. But it was still creepy. A stranger who wrote a letter to his sister.

He was not even sure why he decided to do it then. Connor had the supplies ready. It was the start of school. He could have done it on summer vacation. While his parents and Zoe went on some great trip, without him.

But that would be awkward. He would really have disappeared. No one would have noticed and his bones would stay in the forest or his bed until some poor house seller came into to see it. 

Now, as he looks back. He knows that he wanted Cynthia to find him. It was a desperate cry for help. It was the only way he could think of to snap his parents out of their apathy. 

Except that he went straight back to the ‘ make everyone hate me’ plan. If not for Evan’s constant interference… He would have tried again right there and no one would have stopped him.

Connor wanted to thank Evan but how could he ever?

Out of all the people in his life, this kid who knew next to nothing about him was the only one who cared. 

If that was not the saddest fucking thing he ever knew...

–

Cynthia walked into his room and Connor snapped up. She frowned and gently pushed him back onto the pillow. She was always so gentle with him. Even when he was horrible. She tried to be careful with her hands.

But he hated the feeling and he moved away from her. He can’t remember why. It was probably something that happened in a haze. Or he just did not like being touched.

She pulled away from him and sighed. “ I’m sorry. Honestly, I am… “ she said. Connor saw how she braced herself for his reaction.

“ … I know. “ Connor mumbled. 

She blinked at him in surprise. Connor was too tired for more of their banter. He decided, to be honest with her. 

“ I…need help,“ he said. She was quiet. “I …can’t live like this. I …would rather just-” 

“ Please. Please don’t … I… I can’t. “ 

Connor bit his lip. Would she shut him down again? Was he wasting time with her?

Maybe he should just coast until he could move out? But he knew that he would end his life if he was left alone.

“ Please, Connor. I…know I didn’t try hard enough…” God, not this again. Here comes the ‘we’re sorry you’re going through a rough patch but buck up’ speech. Connor closed his eyes and waited to be disappointed.

“ …With getting Larry to keep you in therapy. ”

His eyes opened and he stared at her. Dread filled him. He was anxious about therapy. Evan told him enough to confirm that groups would be the worst thing for him.  
All those people with their fake smiles. Telling their sob stories and probably most of them just wanted positive attention for once. He did not want to be there. 

“ I know that’s a scary thought. But, you tried…you need someone who is skilled in helping people with... your needs. ”

Connor looked down at his feet. He realized that he was shivering. Cynthia stood up and went to a pile on the couch. She returned with a familiar quilt. It was that one he got for a birthday. That was the one thing he kept in his room. 

A treasured item. She was touching it. Connor bit his lip harder to keep himself from shouting at her. 

“I checked with the doctors and they said it was okay to give you this.” She said. Cynthia started to drape it over him but she stopped short. Tears dripped down her face and she dropped it on him.

Connor pulled the quilt over himself and huddled up under it. This was a nice enough gesture he guessed. He should try and be nice. 

“ Thanks, mom.” He said. He refused to look up. Most of his face was covered now.

“ I…I’ll let you sleep. But I will talk to…your…father about it, “ She said. There was a pause before she continued. “I…love you. ”

Connor let out a hissing sigh and turned himself away. He mumbled something that vaguely sounded like ‘you too’ and pretended to sleep.

He did not want to speak to her anymore. Still, he was kind of glad she put in the effort. 

Cynthia smiled in a solemn way and went back to the couch. 

It was good enough.

——

“ My son isn’t going to a shrink! “ Larry shouted.

Cynthia scowled at him. “ It’s a psychiatrist and he NEEDS it, “ she shouted back. Connor just wanted to melt into the bedframe right now. Evan wanted to run away but he stayed put. Connor’s hand gripped his so much that his knuckles were white. “ You have to keep him in the therapy or it’s not going to work. He needs at least a years worth. Maybe two! “ 

Connor shivered a bit. A year of that? He doubted Larry would ‘ waste ‘ his money on a year of help for him. 

Luckily for them, Evan’s mother managed to step in and give several counter points to every argument Larry directed at her. Eventually, he gave up and sighed into his hands.

“ This is a mistake. Everyone will find out and we’ll never hear the end of it.” he said. 

Connor burrowed under the white blanket and scoffed. He knew this would be his first reaction. He waited for his father to say he forbid it.

“ But fine! Put him in a weird hug session if you think it’ll help. “ he conceded. Connor looked up at him with wide eyes. “ I’m only agreeing because Evan’s mother is a nurse, “ he added, refusing to look at Connor. He seemed to know that he messed up. 

But, Connor felt like he could not really trust his dad again. 

Too much had gone on between them. Too many words shared that could not be taken back. 

\--- 

Later, Evan overheard Heidi scolding Larry. ‘ You can’t talk like that around him. It’s not helping him. ‘ she said. ‘ Believe me. I know what you’re going to be in for, but you have to be optimistic or Connor will pick up on it. “

Evan clutched his chest. He leaned against the wall and looked really crushed by what he heard. Connor wanted to comfort him but he could not really move. His arms were still weak from the wounds he inflicted. Part of him wondered if he cut into a muscle or a nerve and permanently damaged his arms. 

Heidi and Larry continued to meet and talk about Connor. Cynthia sat in sometimes but it was mostly them who talked. Cynthia brought up the emails and Heidi asked to see them. A small frown formed on her face after she read them and she looked at Larry. “ You should read them.” 

Evan felt a sense of dread when his mother looked at him later on. She knew what he did. She was going to tell Connor's parents. 

\--- 

“ ...I know it’s rough. “ Evan said softly. Poor word choice, Connor thought. “But you have to try and... maybe believe in your dad? He’s... still here, at least. “ 

Connor did not believe his Dad would actually try. 

It was a shock when he saw Larry come into his room alone and sit down in the chair beside his bed. The sides were pulled up so he could not get out. 

“ We need to talk. “ Larry said. 

Larry talked to him about what the plan was. That he was going to go to a therapist that Mrs. Hansen recommended to him. That it was going to mean he would be stuck here in the hospital for a bit longer. 

And that the doctor would come see him here. They would run some tests to figure out what his problems were. 

It all happened so fast that Connor thought it was a dream for two days. 

“I’m…really going? “ he asked while he looked dazed. He stared at Evan. 

“ I might have the same doctor. ” Evan said.

“ Yeah. “ Jared nodded at the other. Jared was there too. He did his best to be supportive but in his own way. Connor found himself tolerating him. It was strange how Evan’s presence had calmed him. That scared him a little. 

The therapy was okay. This doctor meant well but he did not put up with Connor’s antics. Connor knew that was a good thing. Connor’s other doctor let him lie to them. They let him talk them out of things. 

It seemed to work. Connor felt a little bit less like he was dying slowly. 

" I broke up with Evan,” Zoe said one day. Connor froze in place and did not blink for a few minutes. “ Why ? “ he asked, Zoe shrugged at him. “ I can’t date a liar, “ she said. Connor did not say anything else. 

Connor felt a bit responsible for it. They were close until he came back.The two of them could have made it if not for him. Evan deserved to have someone be nice to him.

Evan did not visit him for awhile. That made it harder. He wanted to punish himself for this. 

The nurses did not realize he was not holding his food until two days went by and one happened to catch him in the bathroom. Forgetting to flush it was probably a mistake. 

He got put on a feeding tube. Evan was right about it. Connor absolutely hated the way it felt. 

Connor ate most of his food after that. He would stare at the nurse who watched him eat and grumble sometimes about the food tasting like crap. 

It took that to make Evan visit him again. Connor could not help but feel like he was obligated or forced to by someone else. The nervous smile he saw on Evan’s face when he came in made Connor think that even more. 

“ Evan, You don’t have...” he trailed off. Evan leaned forward, eyebrows raised in a curious way. Connor shook his head and raised a shaky hand to push away from of his bangs. “Nevermind.” 

–

Today, Larry had a bunch of print outs and he was reading them. A frown formed on his face as he read them. “ This isn’t right....” he mumbled. It was during one of Larry’s weekly visits. Same day every week. He would stay for an hour and leave to go back to work. Suitcase in his hand. Bussiness suit on. 

“ I noticed you gave away the glove,” Connor said suddenly. He might be pushing for a fight but Larry did not take the bait. 

“ Connor, You never used it.”  
That was true. It sat there under his bed for a while before he moved it into storage. But, that did not mean he did not want it. Not that he would tell Larry that.  
“ …So did you and your new son ever play catch? Go bike riding? “  
“ Connor.”  
“ Hike up the woods and look at amazing trees together? “  
“ Connor! “  
Connor flinched and hid behind his arm. Larry froze and just looked at him. His arm was dropped to his side. Even Connor did not know why he did that. Had Larry ever hit him? If so, it was probably self-defense. He could vaguely remember hitting someone while he was under the influence. But he felt scared. 

Larry shrunk back and scowled at the floor. It was quiet until Connor spoke again. 

“ …You’d have a better time with him.” 

When did Connor’s voice get hoarse? His throat felt like it was closing up. This did not have the right impact. 

“ …That’s not…fair, Connor. “ 

Connor glared at Larry. “ Fair? You didn’t even wait for me to die before you started to give away my things. “ he retorted. “ That was mine! “  
“ You didn’t even want it.”  
“ I… You gave me that when I was thirteen. Of course, I didn’t want it. I was trying to be grown up and you wanted to hold onto me as a kid because I was easier to control then!” The words rushed out of him and he regretted most of them. 

Larry whirled around to face him. His face red from anger. His teeth gritted so tightly it looked like that might break. He was straining to keep himself calm. 

Connor shook in the bed. He waited for something to happen. 

“… I don’t have to stay here and listen to this. “  
“ Then go! Walk out on me like you always do. “ 

Connor continued to yell at Larry until the door slammed closed. The room seemed colder. It was earlier than his usual time. But Larry left and Connor was alone with his thoughts. 

Connor looked down at his hands and the object that was hidden behind his pillow. A pair of pills were also under the pillow. He would flush them later. 

No point in staying here.

–

Everything seemed to get better. For awhile, Evan started to think Connor was better. That he might have turned around. But his hopes were not dashed when he came into the hospital.

“ Connor made another attempt. “ Zoe explained. 

Evan felt his heart sink. All that hope he once had. It flew away and he felt his faith in Connor die a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm already starting on Supplemental writings but I'm not sure whether to post them after this finishes up or not.


	7. 7 -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If You comment, Please remember to only give constructive criticism. - Updates will be slow. My life is busier right now.

“ Connor attempted again,” Zoe said to him after he walked into an empty room. Her voice sounded hollow. Connor’s room was cleaned and the bed had new sheets. There was a wet floor sign near the bathroom door. 

Evan rushed out to the main nurse station and tried desperately to get them to say where he was. “ Evan. Evan, please.” Zoe grabbed hold of his arm and shook her head.

“ They…won’t let any of us see him right now,“ she explained. “ And he got sedated. “ 

Evan felt his heart sink. He sat down in a chair and wanted to hold his head. Cynthia’s crying echoed through the waiting room. He looked over and saw Mr. Murphy alone in a chair by the corner.

“ … It’s my fault, “ he mumbled. It took Evan a moment to realize he was thinking aloud. And he did not understand why he would say that until later on. 

-

“… I used Dad’s razor. “ Connor said in a dull tone. Evan stared at him and felt himself become numb. “ I took it out of his suitcase and went to the bath-”  
“Please. D-don’t. “ Evan interrupted him, gripping his arm tightly to steady himself. “I don’t want to know how… I… why? I thought. “ ‘You were getting better ‘Connor filled in the rest. The worst thing to say to a multiple suicide attempter. 

Connor did not look at him. He could not look at Evan. He failed this boy. Evan had expected him to just get better and he failed him. His chest ached. 

“ I…tried. I really… I’m sorry, Evan. I just…couldn’t keep up the lie.” 

Evan shivered as he looked down. It was hard to believe the way Connor talked was so matter of fact about it. Evan felt sick. This was his life and he talked about it as though it was mail that could be discarded. 

“…The doctors said that the medication I got put on weren’t working. They’re going to try something else but… They’re not letting people visit me a lot. So um…but I can use a computer sometimes.” 

Evan looked up to see Connor’s eyes finally stare into his. He looked sad and a bit lost. He found a worried glimmer in them.“ I’ll email you. “

“ Okay, “ Evan nodded his head vigorously. Connor frowned a bit. “ Please write me back,” he said desperately. When Evan left it was without another word besides ‘Goodbye’. 

—

Evan knew that Connor was scared. He should be encouraging him. He should promise that he would not drop Connor the moment he left this strange room with just a bed. But he doubted that he would.

Larry greeted him with the printed out letter that started it. “ We need to talk.” He said with a weary look. Larry knew which meant Cynthia knew. Evan turned and rushed out of the hospital. 

He felt like should stop contacting Connor and the whole family. It just made him feel bad. He tried to avoid Zoe at school. He stopped his visits at the Murphys. 

But it made him feel more alone than ever. He stood at his window and looked outside. Jared was there. Evan’s mother walked out to meet him. She shook her head as she spoke. Evan knew it was about him. 

She was probably disappointed in him. He could just see it in her eyes. They did not talk for a month. His anxiety came rushing back into his life. Almost the moment he stopped talking to Connor regularly. Once he checked his email account and found four emails from Connor and more from the other Murphys. 

He felt a bit relieved when Jared finally yelled at him. 

“ What the hell are you doing? “ Jared asked him, after pushing Evan’s shoulder. Evan looked down. “ You’re really running away? Connor actually needs you and you’re just going to leave him behind? “ 

Alana looked at Jared with a disapproving look. “ Evan, He’s your best friend. You need to be there to support him,” she said. Her voice as unsteady. “ We both go to see him when we can but he always asks us where you are. “ 

“ …What do you want me to do? “ Evan asked, looking up at them with a tired expression. 

Jared let go of Evan and stared at him. His eyes narrowed. “ Go see him, Evan. Be an actual friend. “ Alana opened her mouth to scold Jared but Evan did not hear what she said. 

Jared was Evan’s ride home so he expected it when Jared took a detour. His hand gripped Evan’s arm as they walked into the hospital. Zoe met them on the 2nd floor and glared at Evan. “ … Go talk to him,” she said coldly. 

Larry peered at Evan when they walked up to the room. “ …You have some nerve…” he started to say but Zoe grabbed his arm and shook her head. “ Dad. I told you. Connor said it was okay. “ 

Evan knew he deserved this treatment. Larry knew about the emails too. He figured out that they were fake and he was rightfully angry. It stung to see that disdained look directed at him from someone he once considered a second father. 

“…Whatever. Go try and talk sense into him. “ Larry mumbled. His tone was softer. Evan swallowed loudly and nodded. “I… sorry. “ 

He looked away. Mr. Murphy started to speak but stopped himself. 

“ Jared…I’m not going to run.” Evan said as he glanced over at his longest ‘friend’. This guy knew him well enough that he should know that he meant it. But, Jared still gripped Evan’s arm as they walked to where Connor’s room was. He wondered if he felt scared too. 

It looked just like Connor’s old room. Evan felt a bit relieved. That feeling went away when Connor looked up at him. “ Oh, Hansen. You finally crawled up here to see me? Thanks.” he called with a sarcastic smile. 

He went back to his old ways. Jared shifted his weight around. “ Um. I’m going to… “ he just turned around and walked out of the room. Evan stayed put in the middle of the room. He stared at Connor and noticed all the new bandages that were wrapped around his form. His hands were bandaged but Evan saw red through them. 

His blood pressure dropped as he realized that Connor must have attempted again. It might have been his fault.  
“ I’m sorr- “  
“ Hansen, Please. Don’t flatter yourself.”  
“ Con-”  
“ Don’t bother. Just get out. I know you’re not here because you want to be. “ 

Connor’s tone was cold. It felt like ice water against Evan’s skin. This was wrong. Connor used to have some emotions in his voice. Did he really give up? Could he really think that? 

Jared returned and pulled Evan out of the room. He wheezed as he leaned over to catch his breath. Evan realized he ran back here. “My…sorry I…didn’t know he was …” he sighed, pushing his short hair back. “Mrs. Murphy said his medication isn’t working again. It kinda made him worse and more… so they took him off it for awhile but… He’s just… He’s been like this for two days. “ Jared explained. 

Evan wondered why the medication stopped working.The other medication had not worked either. He thought about it for awhile before an awful thought came to him. 

He rushed back into the room and up to Connor. The boy scowled and looked away. Jared followed him with a concerned expression. He opened his mouth to speak but Evan interrupted him. 

“ Have you been taking your medication? “ he asked. Connor stared at him and looked away quickly before their eyes meant. “ Connor.” 

Connor kept his head down. “ What’s wrong… ? “ Evan asked. He kept himself from screaming ‘ don’t you want to get better’ because he hated when people said that to him. Instead, he gripped his arm and sucked in air. 

“ Medication is scary,” he said. , “ Cause… what if it doesn’t work? And what if it changes you too much? What if it…” 

“Evan, Please stop it.” Connor said. Evan looked up and saw that tears in his eyes. He was shivering and gripping his arms. “ …God. How do you always…figure me out so quick? “ he mumbled through clenched teeth. 

“ I…don’t want to become someone different,” he said. Evan hesitantly reached out his hand. Would he be rejected? 

“ You can always try. If…it doesn’t work they’ll change it til something works. “Evan said softly. That happened with him. He went through a few bad ones. Ones that changed him or made him not want to talk at all. Those were rough on him but worse for his mother. And Jared had been distraught too, he was just less vocal about it. 

“…I’m sorry, Connor. I’m… really sorry.” 

Connor gripped Evan’s hand so tightly and suddenly that Evan yelped in surprise. He looked at Connor with a concerned look. Was he going to yell again? 

“ … I probably would’ve left me too. “ 

Evan tried to stifle a sob. God, he was the worst person alive. He just left this guy who just wanted someone to understand him alone and look what happened. Why was he forgiven for this? He should never be forgiven for this and the other awful things he has done. 

-

Connor refused to let go of Evan’s hand, especially while he explained to his parents and the doctors what went on. Larry stared at them with that blank expression but his eyes glimmered a little. 

He did not want to let go. Zoe eventually had to force his fingers off and Connor shot a glare at her for it. 

In the waiting room, the Murphys were distraught. Connor had not been taking the medicine so their plans had to change. 

Heidi came and sat with them. A plan to make sure Connor took his pills was set up. Larry , Cynthia and even Zoe agreed to take a turn making sure to have him take them in front of their eyes. 

Evan shook his head when Zoe tried to say he saved the day. He did not want praise. He left his friend behind. He spent a whole month avoiding his friend. And to make it worse, he left a friend who had attempted to kill himself several times. 

Jared was obviously relieved. “…You were worried about Connor? “ Evan asked softly as Jared drove him home. Jared nearly stopped the car and squinted at him. “ N-no! I… ugh. Yes, okay! Fine. I was worried about him. So..?” he looked very nervous. “ I mean, we wrote those emails and lied about him. But he’s…kinda a good guy. “ 

Evan smiled brightly at him until Jared threatened to drop him off on the side of the road. 

Slowly the Murphy’s were allowed to visit Connor again. One on One meetings for a short amount of time. But they were not allowed to bring anything inside. 

— —————-

 

-Larry sat there in the room. He did not meet Connor’s gaze. His expression was that of a devastated man. Connor’s body felt a bit numb but also like absolute shit.

He and Larry had almost gotten back to an amicable state but he pushed the old man away. Like he always did. 

“ … How long…had you been planning to…”  
“ I didn’t… It’s…impulsive. I just get this thought and it won’t go away. “  
Connor felt strange. He was not usually so honest about this. Not with his dad anyway. But Larry never asked him these questions before now. Or showed an interest in his feelings. This was all new and scary to both of them. 

 

“ Are you thinking about it now? “  
Connor did not want to answer. Larry’s eyes stared into his. Connor dropped his gaze to his bandaged arms and cringed. He did not want to do this. 

“ Yeah,” he said in a hoarse whisper.

Larry stood up and gently pulled Connor into his arms. He leaned against his son’s shoulder. Connor could tell he was trying not to cry. “Sorry,” he said. His voice was hoarse too. It sounded like he was lost. Not sure what to say. The same way Connor felt right now.  
“… Don’t do it again. “ Mr. Murphy said. He held Connor close to him. 

For once Connor let him. He leaned against his father. 

This reminded Connor of an old trip. They went hiking and it was fun for a while. But, Connor slipped on the rocks. He should have listened to Larry’s warnings. Blood went everywhere and Connor felt himself lose consciousness. It had scared him. Only his dad’s words and the bandages kept him from it.

Larry had carried him all the way to their cabin and drove him to the hospital. Larry stopped trips after that.

Now that Connor was older, it made sense. Connor almost died then. It must have scared his dad.

“ Please don’t. “ Larry added in a softer tone.  
Connor closed his eyes and sighed, burying his head into his father’s shoulder. “ I’ll try not to. “

Larry accepted that. Connor wondered if he would be able to stop. Could he actually keep himself from it?

This flirtation with death had become a normal part of his life. He could hardly keep those thoughts away. Every time he saw a sharp object he wanted to grab it. When he saw the edge of a high up building or window, a voice told him he should jump.

The next day, Connor felt like he should try again.

Larry started to ask Evan for the glove back but Connor said it was okay. Evan might actually use it. Besides, he was not mad about the glove. He was mad that his father replaced him so easily and assumed he would not come back.

Evan made a face and insisted that he should probably return it. That Connor should try and take care of the glove instead of him. Connor knew that Evan was trying to help but he felt a bit aggravated. 

The next day , Larry started to also scold Evan about the emails. Connor rushed to defend Evan again but the other stopped him. Evan shook his head at Connor and gently patted the other’s hand, 

“ I’m sorry. I shouldn’t..have lied to you all. Connor’s life…is not a stepping stone. “ he mumbled. Connor felt anxious. He did not know if his life actually meant anything. 

“ .. I… can just…. go and get out of your… “ Evan stopped when he felt Connor pull his hand into his. No, that was impossible now. He could not just leave Connor after all this. 

“ … I’ll forgive you too, I guess. But don’t think you can lie and then apologize for everything. You’re lucky that Connor and Zoe care so much about you.” Larry said. There was an understood, ‘ I care about you too’ in there somewhere. 

-

It was rough going after that.

It was hard to keep up with the schedule but Larry was best at it. Larry would hand Connor the pills and water, then stare at him until he took them. The medication was always taken. 

Connor did not notice a difference at first. It was slow. But Evan noticed that Connor seemed to be a little better. Not perfectly normal but better. 

Better was good enough. 

\- End of Chapter. ( One more chapter and then all the supplementals. )


	8. 8- lies finished.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ending?

Connor wanted to attempt several times that day but he stopped himself. Thinking of Evan’s face the last time helped. Even Larry’s wrinkled mug with that devastated look made him stop. 

He felt anxious. His hands shook while he typed something to his therapist. They agreed to email each other and the therapist said they would check it several times. Their words helped a little. He settled back on his pillow and tried to sleep. 

Nightmares had been plaguing him. He could not remember exactly what happened in them, only that Evan and Zoe were hurt in them. And he woke up to find out he screamed in his sleep.   
–

Connor looked up at Evan anxiously. “I…I’m okay right? I’m not…acting weird? “ he asked. His voice was unnaturally soft, but when Evan was around, he used that tone. “ You’re the same. “ Evan reassured him.

That was a confusing statement. Did he mean same as in old him or same as in new ‘fake ‘ happy him? 

“You two going to kiss or what? “ Jared asked, leaning over the metal bedpost of Connor’s bed. His actual bed in his room. Connor half-heartedly tossed a pillow at Jared. 

It had been a few months since that whole incident. They talked with each other in a group. The group sessions with the whole family were interesting too. Connor had been surprised by the words from his parents. They all decided as a family to take individual classes. That seemed to have helped. 

These ' friendship get-togethers' as Connor sarcastically called them, were regular. 

Connor's heart skipped at the suggestion. Evan probably did not want to do that. Connor glanced at Evan and sputtered when he saw a blush on the other’s face. Better not look over there for awhile. 

He shook his head at Jared and sighed. “You two better know me by now,” he grumbled. Jared looked at him curiously.

“ The fakey emails and that bullshit personification of me you two wrote. “ Connor clarified. Evan looked at him. Connor debated on whether to actually tell them. 

“ Um, The ‘ I love my dad’ part? “ 

Jared winced and nodded with a sympathetic look. Connor wanted to go hide in his closet. Jared Kleinman being sympathetic towards him? He would never have believed this in the past. “ I mean, he’s okay but… Love is a strong word.”   
Evan nodded solemnly and Jared made a face at Connor to move topics.

“ And… I am…actually gay, “ he mumbled softly. 

Jared gawked at him. “Are you serious?!” Evan opened his mouth. Connor waited for him to react but all he did was stare at him. “ I…like guys. “

“Oh no! I’m s-sorry. I didn’t… those emails must have been really insulting! “ 

Connor shifted his weight around on the bed. “ Well, yeah I… thought it wasn’t really..great that you thought you had to clarify that we weren’t ‘ that way’,” he said.

Jared gritted his teeth. “… Sorry. I… I’m actually…kinda…” he fidgetted and looked away from them. “ I like guys too, “ he admitted.

Evan’s mouth dropped open. Connor squinted at him. “ Wow. That’s really ironic. After the shit you say.” Jared flinched.

“ … Yeah. Sorry. I won’t like… tell anyone else. “ Jared said. He picked at a spot on his shirt. Connor felt a tinge of regret but Jared needed to cut it out with his comments. It was nice to see that Jared had some feelings under that Jerk persona. 

“Well, I might forgive you. But you better not slip up, Jared.” 

Jared’s eyes lit up. “ You used my name! Does that mean I can call you Connor?! “

Connor paused to consider it. He knew if he said yes that Connor would have to deal with Jared calling out his name in the hallway. But Evan was looking at him with that pleading look. He seemed to want them to get along desperately.

“ I guess? “ He winced when Jared ran past the edge of his bed and hugged him. 

Oh boy, he regretted that immediately. 

Larry coughed and Connor looked up to see him at the door. “ Dad! You’re supposed to knock? “ he called as a wry smile spread across his face.

His dad smiled too and shook his head. “Sorry, Connor. I just wanted to tell you we’re ordering pizza. Mom burned the health junk. “ the old man gave a thumbs up.   
Connor looked relieved too. Jared did not seem to understand why Evan laughed.   
“ We avoided a painful death,” Connor said softly. Larry glared at him and Connor realized that was not a good thing to joke about around his dad.   
“… Ah. Sorry. Um. “ 

Connor looked at his dad. He did not know how this worked. A normal conversation between them was still awkward. Larry opened his mouth and Connor tried to brace himself. 

“ Can we order a Hawaiian pizza? “ Jared asked, interrupting whatever Larry started to say. Mr. Murphy sighed and just shrugged at him. Jared was still not top on Larry Murphy's list of people he liked.   
“ … Ew, No. That pizza is a sin amongst pizza Law, Jared.” Connor squinted at the other and shoved him away. 

“ Agreed! “ Zoe chimed in, She popped up from behind Larry and glared at Jared. “ You’re not allowed to decide anything, Kleinman. “ she said, mimicking Connor’s old tone. 

Connor scoffed at her and pretended he was mad. It only lasted a few seconds before he laughed and elbowed Jared’s shoulder. Larry made a face like he might cry and turned around. His shoulders shivered. Connor smiled a little bit. Larry had been more open lately but not enough that he was okay with 'public tears'. 

“ Okay. So…I’ll go order them. “   
“ I’m coming to help. “ Zoe called to him before she turned and looked at them. Her gaze narrowed down to Evan and she smiled. A thankful expression spread over her face. 

Things were okay now. Not perfect but better than they had been.

-

\- Larry waited til Connor was sitting alone to actually try and talk again. “ So…how are you today.? Are you…still having those thoughts?” Connor dreaded this talk. 

“ …Better, I think. But I…won’t lie. I had one this morning but I used a marker instead. ” he said, holding up his hand. It was covered in small pink marker lines. Larry carefully took his hand and sighed softly. 

“ Okay. But you didn’t use permanent markers again right.

” Connor laughed, “ Didn’t really check, ” he said in a mischievous tone. Larry scrunched up his face at the kid. He had to close his eyes to keep himself from scowling.

“ Connor, you did on purpose… Geez. I guess I should accept it. That’s still better than…well.” Connor’s smile faded a little. He looked down at his hands and fiddled with his sleeve. It was strange. Now, he did not grit his teeth when Larry spoke or was around him. Larry was trying to open up more and be available. 

Larry reconized that he brought down the mood and pulled Connor into a quick hug. It was only a few minutes but Connor felt a bit better when it was stopped. 

These little gestures were enough. 

“ Ok. Go have fun with your friends,” Larry said softly. He did not look at Connor but he did not look angry. 

Connor paused and turned to look at him. For a while he was quiet. “Ok. Love you, Dad. ” Suddenly, Larry had tears in his eyes. 

When did he become Dad again? Connor did not know. But he felt like he should try using that word again. Larry looked so touched. 

“ Ok, son. I love you too. Be safe.” he choked out, sniffling loudly and rubbing at his eyes with his hand. 

Connor smiled brightly and rushed out of the room. He went over to Evan and lightly shoved the other’s shoulder before he plopped down between him and Jared. Evan smiled and leaned himself against Connor's shoulder. 

It was not perfect. He still had those thoughts but it was good enough. 

\- the plot ended.   
Supplementals are up next.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully will be updated weekly.


End file.
